Please hide my I.D. I’m an orphan. I knew this guy from my former area, and we were like family friends. My twin sister and I used to go to his room to sleep innocently but he started taking advantage of us like he secretly slept with my twin. He made attempts to sleep with me, he succeeded once, but I refused other times.
When I gained admission in 2016, he asked me out but I scorned him because he never dated any lady and I don’t see ladies around him. Moreover, I took him as a normal friend and brother.
After I had thought about it, we were in a not-too-serious relationship. He calls me once a month and sends me the little he had. When my sister got the news of our relationship, she said it can’t work and that I should tell him that.
I persisted, but she refused. Then, the guy narrated how they’ve had a short time dating history back then, and at the same time, he was disturbing me. Although I forgave him, and I spoke with my twin sister who is now married, and she let go.
But my confusion is this, he doesn’t go to church except I quarrel with him and he criticizes men of God. One day I asked if we can pray and he said he didn’t plan for that, he only calls me to tell me how he has seen a big ass and pretty ladies.
It’s a long-distance relationship. I am in MAKURDI while he is in LAGOS working. He has been supportive, but the last time I promised to leave him he said it’s because I was benefiting that was why I couldn’t leave then.
Another point here is this, he goes on and off. Whenever we have issues he would just leave for like 1 or sometimes over a month without calls or anything. He will later sneak in and start up a conversation. He narrates how he wooed a lady, he is vulgar and never ask for prayers and when I told him about we staying till marriage without sex he said that is why the rate of divorce is increasing, but he will touch “Sha.”
He sees nothing bad with lying, sounding vulgar and other sins, but on the other side, I am a born-again Christian. Now, to be sincere as an orphan I felt since he was or has been supporting, he might be the one cause it’s not easy with me, and my brother who promised to sponsor me has gone bankrupt and I am left with no option than to just stay back.
His mum also questioned him and asked if I will not leave him after graduating. But I’m tired, and it seems am just there because of the help that has been rendered to me and stuff. I’m trying to be considerate, so like he said let it not be that I was there because of the benefits.
Now we had issues and he has gone again, no calls, no text. I think I should just make this one the last one if he goes, he shouldn’t come back again, I’m tired, heaviness of chest and bartered in a confused state.
Pls advise me, he has a history of polygamy, his mum gave birth to all 3 of them from different men before she gave her life to Christ, his dad left his mum and started having concubines and also gave birth to a girl with another woman. As an orphan, I don’t want to make mistakes in marriage, please help me.
You’ve itemized several issues here which are crucial and destiny-determining. We’d have to thrash them out one after the other for proper understanding.
1. He doesn’t go to church and he’s sarcastic towards men of God.
I do not see agreement in your belief system. He doesn’t believe in prayer, but you do. If you force marriage on him, you’d be the spiritual head in that marriage. God created men to be the head and to be ahead. I see him as an unbeliever instead of calling him a Christian.
2. Telling you about a lady’s backside shows how carnal he is.
Out of the abundance of the heart, his mouth speaks. If you marry him, he might end up having an affair because he lacks control over what he sees.
3. Long Distance Relationship
LDR is for the strong and mature, if you can’t cope with such, don’t dive into it in the first place. Not everyone has what it takes to sustain an LDR.
4. You tried to quit but he guilt trips you
You’re in the valley of decision, yet you’re emotional about the right decision you should make, be careful not to marry him out of self-pity.
5. He’s inconsistent
Where a person’s treasure is, there would their heart be. If he truly cares about you, he would be committed and consistent with you. However, relationships can’t sustain themselves, it takes two committed people to see it work. Why pitch your tent with an inconsistent fellow?
6. He doesn’t believe in abstinence until marriage
Can you see that he’s an unbeliever? It’s not only those who do not go to church that is unbelievers. An unbeliever is someone who doesn’t agree with what you believe in. If you stay in a relationship with such, there would be more disagreement and quarrels.
As a born-again Christian who is led by the Spirit and the word of God, you have no business being with an unbeliever, except you’re a churchgoer or a professing Christian. Meanwhile, you can’t stay in this relationship based on feelings, or for the fear of what he and his mother would think about you, what is God saying to you?
That you’re an orphan doesn’t mean God can’t help you if you look up to Him. Many of us make the mistake of looking up to men for help without depending on God.
The guy in question is not your confusion, your confusion is not knowing what the will of God for your marriage life is. It’s not God’s will for you to be in an immoral relationship and that relationship should not lead to marriage because it’s has a bad foundation.
You have seen the handwriting on the wall. He doesn’t pray or believe in it. He tells you about his flirting escapades and you think he’d make a good husband? Come off it. Don’t be trapped in a wrong relationship. If your twin sister could move on, what stops you from doing the same?
His past may necessary not be an issue if he is transformed and the right man God ordained for you. A man’s background should not affect him if he’s truly born again and he has come out of it, but I do not see this guy in that light because he uses vulgar words, sees nothing bad in telling lies, and his perceptions about sex are weird.
Do you know what he’s doing in Lagos where he is, and do you think he’s truthful by telling you what he’s doing there? Don’t allow the stipends you get from him to tie you in that relationship. Don’t be his side chick when he has someone he might be planning to marry in Lagos.
My advice is that you go back to God for proper direction. Go and settle lots of things with Him, concerning your life, and destiny before you bring up the issue of marriage. You need to dispel the cloud of confusion in your mind, otherwise, you’d make the wrong decision because of it.
Till I come your way next time on another Q&A episode, take charge and stay strong.
You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.
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